Day 75… Tomorrow I Will Write A Cover Letter

I have less than 300 days left in my one year to turn my life around. 290 days to be exact. That feels heavy because it’s so short. It’s also a lot of days. That’s 6,963.75 hours from the moment I type this sentence. I can do a lot in those hours. I need to do a lot in those hours.

I’ve been a freelance writer for the last decade. I love what I do. I’ve also had the positive of sharing my life with a partner, a platonic partner for the last three years… which has benefits in so many ways. I could talk about it for hours, but I would be lying if I glanced over the fiscal benefit. As a writer specializing in social justice, I don’t rake in the cash. Sharing expenses with a partner has allowed me to chase dreams while doing what I love. Everything is changing. For the better.

At 32, I’m looking at going back into the corporate world as a writer. I have been doing it for years, but I’m also looking for the security and stability of a 9–5 job. I want to buy a house I can turn into a home for myself and my dogs.

I’m terrified of applying for jobs because what if I really am shit at what I’ve been working so hard at for the last decade? What if I try and fail? What if I can’t be a real adult the way it seems so easy for everyone else around me?

So I need to write a cover letter so I can start applying to jobs so I can have a job and save money and buy a house and take care of all the things that need to be taken care of.

Something in my brain has been holding me back from writing the damn cover letter. Couldn’t tell you what passed fear of failure. I’m counting on my executive functioning to override that and get this shit done. Because I want the life I see for myself. I want it so badly, but I’m also scared I don’t deserve it. Thank you, lifetime of trauma, you’ve been reliable at holding me back.

I can do it. I know I can do it. I just keep not doing it. What the fuck is wrong with me?